25 and Counting

Daylight Savings November 3, 2009

Filed under: complications — Emilie @ 2:58 am

Daylights savings…I think this meant little to me up until a few years ago when my eye issues started.  You see, one of the side effects of laser treatment is loss of night vision and glare from lights.  Having about 3,000 laser spots burned into the peripheral of both retinas means that I suffer both issues in the dark.  

And so, life is grand during the summer.  Sometimes it stays light out until 8:30!  I still have really good vision in one eye, and have been able to retain my drivers license.  I am a free person in the summer, being able to drive wherever I want.  I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  Heck, at times it feels like things are almost back to normal. 

It is the winter months I am reminded of how much my vision sucks and how permanent what happened really is.  I can get from my metro stop to my house, but that is only because I drive it every day, know the streets are well enough lit, and do not have to be able to see the lines of the lanes because I drive it so often.  My car just knows where it is supposed to go.  I am thankful every day that I live near a city with a subway system because working in the city, I can retain that bit of freedom.  But I do not live inside the city, in a suburb about 15 miles away.  It is a perfect, quiet place to raise a family.  But it is dark. 

Today marks the start of this dark season.  I am lucky that my daughter requires nothing more of me right now than my attention when I get home.  But what about when she is older and has extra curricular activities?  I found myself looking for religious school programs online the other day, and one consideration is street lighting.  I didn’t want my husband to be the sole person capable of picking her up and dropping her off, so I need to find a place that has well-lit streets between our home and the school.  I felt bad for my daughter, that I had to put myself ahead of her needs.


Doing better. August 15, 2008

Filed under: complications,Family matters — Emilie @ 1:28 am

Two weeks ago, I went to NYC to see a new retina specialist.  While, the recommendation was to do nothing about the chronic flashing I have in my good eye (meaning I have to live with a chronic flashing light for the rest of my life), the verdict was that a majority of cases like mine stay stable.  So I am hoping that luck will be on my side from now on, and I will try to remain positive about keeping the vision I have. 

While that is the physical side of things, I’ve been working hard on the emotional side as well.  I tried a new therapy technique a few weeks ago, and it has helped me get past this bad place where I’ve been stuck the past few months.  I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with images or events that are not resolving on their own.  It has been a really rough few weeks since the treatment, but I think I needed to hit rock bottom so I could come to terms with what has happened, and move on with the grieving process.  

The other big news is that the retina specialist said that carrying another pregnancy was unlikely to cause any more problems with my eyes.  I have been thinking very hard about this the past few weeks.  I know that I could probably do it again, but do I have the energy to?  And do I want to look back 30 years from now and wonder if complications that I have would have not happened had I not gotten pregnant again?  There are just so many doubts in my mind, and so I think that the easy out is surrogacy.  I can have another baby, and not have to worry about damage to my body, and the insane pressure of being diabetic and pregnant.  It feels so much better to say that there is a plan. 

So, I am trying to refocus myself on the coming year.  We are meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist next week to talk about a surrogate pregnancy.  I held my friend’s 3 month old baby today, and it felt so good.  I have been so consumed with everything that is going on with my health, that any image of a baby or pregnant woman has been so distressing.  It felt so good to be around a baby, and not spin into a series of thoughts about how I was going to have a second.  When I held my friend’s baby today, I thought about how much I wanted an addition to our family, and that is something to look forward to.


A big week… July 22, 2008

Filed under: complications,Family matters — Emilie @ 1:41 am
Tags: ,

This week is going to be a big one.  Physically and emotionally…

On Thursday, I am going to NYC for an appointment with another retina specialist.  This will be the 3rd opinion I’ve gotten in the past two years on my retinopathy.  Unfortunately, there is some traction on my left retina (after a vitrectomy last year, LOTS of laser, and avastin injections).  I am anxious about this appointment because I fear that the result may be more surgery.  Or worse, that nothing can be done.  This is my good eye I am working on, my right one had a bad detachment 2 years ago, and it doesn’t function well on its own.  

I’m also going to be asking this retina specialist about a second baby.  I think that I have come to the conclusion that even if he says there’s no reason for me not to get pregnant again, I may opt for other means to having baby #2.  I admit I am not in the best place emotionally right now, and I know that I need a lot of cash in my emotional bank to get me through a diabetic pregnancy.  With baby #1 going to preschool in the fall, getting potty trained (another challenge in iteself!), working full time, AND taking care of myself, I think I may be stretching myself too thin. 

So this appointment is a big deal.  I am hoping it will give me an idea of what the next year will mean for me.  Or not, so I can know and move on.