25 and Counting

Doing better. August 15, 2008

Filed under: complications,Family matters — Emilie @ 1:28 am

Two weeks ago, I went to NYC to see a new retina specialist.  While, the recommendation was to do nothing about the chronic flashing I have in my good eye (meaning I have to live with a chronic flashing light for the rest of my life), the verdict was that a majority of cases like mine stay stable.  So I am hoping that luck will be on my side from now on, and I will try to remain positive about keeping the vision I have. 

While that is the physical side of things, I’ve been working hard on the emotional side as well.  I tried a new therapy technique a few weeks ago, and it has helped me get past this bad place where I’ve been stuck the past few months.  I highly recommend it for anyone dealing with images or events that are not resolving on their own.  It has been a really rough few weeks since the treatment, but I think I needed to hit rock bottom so I could come to terms with what has happened, and move on with the grieving process.  

The other big news is that the retina specialist said that carrying another pregnancy was unlikely to cause any more problems with my eyes.  I have been thinking very hard about this the past few weeks.  I know that I could probably do it again, but do I have the energy to?  And do I want to look back 30 years from now and wonder if complications that I have would have not happened had I not gotten pregnant again?  There are just so many doubts in my mind, and so I think that the easy out is surrogacy.  I can have another baby, and not have to worry about damage to my body, and the insane pressure of being diabetic and pregnant.  It feels so much better to say that there is a plan. 

So, I am trying to refocus myself on the coming year.  We are meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist next week to talk about a surrogate pregnancy.  I held my friend’s 3 month old baby today, and it felt so good.  I have been so consumed with everything that is going on with my health, that any image of a baby or pregnant woman has been so distressing.  It felt so good to be around a baby, and not spin into a series of thoughts about how I was going to have a second.  When I held my friend’s baby today, I thought about how much I wanted an addition to our family, and that is something to look forward to.